


If My World Caves In

by allyasavedtheday



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I think?, M/M, Post Season 2, Pre-Slash, Stiles-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyasavedtheday/pseuds/allyasavedtheday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles gives up.</p><p>He doesn’t mean to. He doesn’t want to. But he can’t do it anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If My World Caves In

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in the summer before season 2 and season 3. A few things go a little differently from canon as you will see. I was really interested in the concept of Stiles breaking down to a point where he exiled himself from the supernatural world and this is what I got

Stiles gives up.

He doesn’t mean to. He doesn’t want to. But he can’t do it anymore.

After the showdown at the warehouse he lasts a week pretending he’s fine and then he has a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store and he’s just done.

He wants it all to go away. He wants it to stop.

He doesn’t get out of bed for a week. His father’s concerned and terrified but Stiles doesn’t even know where he could begin to explain so he doesn’t say anything.

Scott comes by during Stiles’ second day in bed.

Stiles whispers through broken sobs that he’s sorry but he can’t be a part of Scott’s world anymore. Scott frowns and has tears in his eyes and he’s not supposed to look like that. Scott’s supposed to always be smiling. Stiles scoots over and lets him climb onto the bed next to him. He lets Scott’s soothing words wash over him. The, “it’s okay”s and, “you don’t have to be sorry”s and the one that really breaks Stiles; “I’ll protect you from it”.

Scott offers to tell Stiles’ dad the truth and Stiles lets him, if only so his dad will understand. A few hours later Scott’s gone and Stiles’ dad is shuffling into his room.

Stiles doesn’t look at his face. He  _can’t_.

In the end his dad just puts a hand on his shoulder and asks, “Are you sure?”

It’s not what he expects. He thought his dad would’ve been glad he was leaving the supernatural world behind. “It’s the only way,” is what he tells him.

*

Stiles takes up running because he knows they’ll have to do cross country once school starts. He stays away from the woods though – even if nothing’s lurking, he’d rather not take the chance. So he keeps to the streets of the neighbourhoods instead. There’s something about the control he feels from running that helps settle the growing pit in his stomach.

Sometimes he crosses paths with Allison. Sometimes she runs with him – she’s been avoiding the woods too. They don’t talk much, especially not about Scott. She doesn’t ask how he’s doing and he doesn’t ask her. Neither of them are okay, they know that and they don’t need to tell each other. Allison pushes him; makes him run a little bit faster and a little more desperately. But she has a steady pace and takes even steadier breaths. That’s what he loves about her – she’s steady. And that’s all he needs.

*

Scott censors himself when he talks to Stiles. And to his credit, he very rarely slips up. They talk about everything except for anything pertaining to werewolves. It’s almost like old times but it’s not. Because every time they lapse into silence, Stiles knows there’s something Scott’s keeping from him. Something he’s dying to say. Stiles supposes it’s not really fair to make Scott deal with this on his own because he’s probably struggling just as much as Stiles was, if not more. But that’s where they’re different; Stiles can cut his losses and walk away, Scott never can. 

But Scott wouldn’t dare complain. Instead sometimes he just sits a little closer to Stiles or he’ll fall asleep while they’re watching a movie and his head will drop onto Stiles’ shoulder and Stiles doesn’t have the heart to move him or wake him up. Scott’s young and scared and tired and probably finding it so much more difficult now that he doesn’t have Stiles by his side.

Stiles feels his guilt settling beneath his skin in these moments. He wants to be there for Scott. He wants to help. But he  _can’t_. Just the thought of entering that world again makes his hands shake and his vision blur. He wishes he could say that a geriatric with a God complex isn’t the thing that broke him but Stiles isn’t strong, he’s just really good at pretending he is. So he shoulders the guilt and hugs Scott whenever he thinks he needs it.

*

Lydia shows up a few days after Jackson moves to London. They sit on the porch swing and she cries. She doesn’t say anything about the kanima or Gerard or the warehouse or werewolves or anything like that. Stiles thinks Scott probably explained things to her but then he thinks maybe she worked it out all her own. She’s always been a lot more perceptive than most people.

She doesn’t bury her head in his shoulder or cling to him or say much of anything at all and he can’t help but be shocked by how much he doesn’t mind. He’s upset that she’s upset but it doesn’t feel like before. He doesn’t feel an overwhelming need to be  _that guy_  for her. He doesn’t want to be Jackson’s replacement and he doesn’t want to try and prove himself anymore. Lydia loves Jackson more than Stiles can probably comprehend and he doesn’t really think it’s fair for him to act like she doesn’t.

He always thought he would love Lydia like he loves rainy days because she could be calming or challenging or just what he needs. But Stiles isn’t  _in love_  with rainy days. He loves them, he appreciates them and he needs them. Stiles is starting to think maybe he’s not in love with Lydia either.

*

Stiles isn’t surprised when Derek shows up. Although he is a bit surprised it took this long. He wanders into the kitchen, not bothering to check whether or not Derek’s following him – he knows he is.

“Why are you doing this?” is how Derek breaks the silence.

Stiles scoffs scornfully, “Surely Scott explained it?”

“He did. But I want to hear it from you.”

Stiles doesn’t understand what his relationship with Derek is. Derek acts like he hates him and that he’s annoying and in the way but then he never hesitates in saving Stiles life – as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. He supposes it’s because Derek’s a decent human being - which he is, under all that anger and pain. Derek says he doesn’t care but his actions say otherwise. He seems like he just wants Stiles to go away but when Stiles does he tries to reel him back in.

“I’m tired, Derek,” Stiles answers honestly, because he is. But he’s also scared and sick and worried and a million other things he’s not supposed to be feeling.

"You're running, Stiles."

" _And you're projecting!_ " Stiles snaps frustratedly. He can’t remember the last time he raised his voice. Or the last time he spoke with any kind of life in his voice. A twisted part of him is glad for it.

Derek stills completely. He looks like he's been slapped and Stiles feels the guilt settle all over again. He ignores it and forces himself to hold Derek's gaze.

"I know you ran when you were my age because you were scared shitless," he says, his voice much softer this time. "And I don't blame you. I would've done the same thing. But you don't know everything, Derek. You don't get a monopoly on pain or guilt or whatever you think this is." 

Stiles runs a tired hand through his hair and tries not to acknowledge the way his heart stutters at the hurt look on Derek's face.

"Just answer me this, Stiles," Derek's voice is distant, like it's not really coming from him. "Do you really feel safer? Now that you’ve just decided not to unlock the closet that you know the monster’s hiding in. It can’t hurt you if you pretend it doesn’t exist, right?”

His words sting and Stiles tries not to flinch. "Can you leave, please?" His voice sounds hollow and empty even to himself. But Derek obliges. He nods a resigned kind of nod and leaves.

He leaves the hollow and empty boy and doesn't say anything about his hollow and empty voice.

*

Stiles sits on his bedroom floor that night and stares at his closet. Derek had been speaking figuratively but he’d been right in a way. All the books Stiles owned, the printouts, the hard drive holding the bestiary; all of it is in a box in his closet. He wants to open the box, just to prove Derek wrong but he can’t find it in himself to make the short trip across his room.

Derek shows up at some point, Stiles doesn’t know when. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t apologise. But he sits with Stiles and it feels like a peace offering. It feels like the most sincere “I’m sorry” he’s ever heard.

*

Stiles wakes up in his bed but he doesn't remember falling asleep. He rolls over only to discover Derek's next to him, sitting with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out in front of him. He's not exactly asleep but he's dozing. He looks better like this, Stiles decides, more at peace. 

Stiles takes a deep breath in as he nuzzles back into his pillow. He doesn't pick up on Derek's scent like so many other people he knows would. Stiles never could figure out what people smelled like. Instead he used to make up what he thought they should smell like. Like Scott for instance; Stiles likes to think he smells like freshly cut grass and puppies and fluffy blankets and sunshine.

Stiles thinks Derek would smell like hot chocolate on a cold winter's afternoon and clean sheets and the air just after it's rained. He thinks if warmth had a smell it would smell like Derek.

*

Derek starts to come around a lot. He doesn’t pry anymore. Stiles mostly sleeps when he’s there – he always sleeps better when Derek’s there.

He can’t explain it. He doesn’t really want to.

Derek holds his hand one day and he doesn’t let go for a really long time. It’s the first time he thinks that maybe Derek needs whatever this is just as much as Stiles does.

*

Stiles finds out by accident about the Alphas. Derek’s sitting next to him when he gets a text from Peter about them. He leaves quickly afterward. He doesn’t offer and explanation and Stiles doesn’t ask.

He spends the rest of the night convincing himself that he doesn’t want to know.

The next day, when Scott’s over, he cracks and mentions them. Scott freezes and looks at Stiles with wide, frightened eyes.

 _“Did they do something to you?”_  is his first response and he looks furious.

Stiles shakes his head, “No, I saw one of Derek’s texts.”

If Scott’s confused as to what Stiles has been doing spending time with Derek Hale he doesn’t ask. Instead he says, “Are you sure you want to know?”

And he is. He needs to, he realises.

Scott explains everything he knows, everything he’s been doing for the past month and a half – about looking for Boyd and Erica, about helping Derek search for information on the Alphas, about training with Isaac and Derek - and Stiles is thrown for a loop. He’s missed so much.

Scott must read it on Stiles’ face because he tells him not to worry, that they’ll take care of it.

Stiles accepts the brush off because he knows it’s what Scott thinks he wants.

It  _is_  what he wants. Or, it  _was_  what he wanted. Now, he’s not so sure.

*

When Derek comes over that night Stiles gives in and curls into his side. He allows himself to crave the warmth, to press himself as close to Derek as possible until he stops feeling so lost. Derek sits stock still for a minute but when Stiles doesn’t move he tucks his arm around him.

“I don’t know what to do,” Stiles admits, his voice muffled against Derek’s t-shirt.

“Sleep,” Derek says gently.

He does.

*

Two weeks before school starts Stiles goes to Derek’s loft when he knows Scott and Isaac are there. They’re all standing around a metal table that has a giant book open on it.

Isaac looks surprised to see him. Scott looks hopeful. Derek looks like he expected this.

He takes a deep breath. He’s still not sure if he wants to do this. There’s going to be pain and loss and anger and everything in between. He’s going to get hurt and so will everyone else. But werewolves and all the other mythical things that come with them have weaved their way so intricately through Stiles’ life, he can’t escape them now. This is life for better or worse and he’s going to try really damn hard to make sure it’s for better.

“How can I help?”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even really sure how to explain this one, I just had a lot of Stiles feels to be honest. Anyway, i hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> All characters belong to Jeff Davis :) The fic title comes from Salt Skin by Ellie Goulding
> 
> And you can find me on tumblr at [ allyasavedtheday](http://allyasavedtheday.tumblr.com/)


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